Am I jealous?

It happens, we get jealous.

In the times of social media is very difficult not to be jealous, how many likes, followers other people have … there will always be people who have bigger numbers or more than us. Feelings of jealousy can be mixed up with love, anger, fear and insecurity. We doubt about ourselves. Jealousy can mask other emotions like hatred or frustration or anger, potentially loneliness. And sometimes we would never admit to ourselves that we are jealous and we criticise and judge other people.

We say we are jealous when we believe something is taken away from us and this is threatening.

Envy is when someone has something that we would like to have or something more than what we have.

The fundamental nature of jealousy or envy is that we feel inadequate. At first glance, there would seem to be nothing of value within jealousy and envy. But curiously, if we can let go of the dark side, on the bright side of jealous feelings can be a quality of admiration (feeling good at others good fortune and well-being) and emulation (wanting to cultivate the same good qualities of another).

Jealousy and envy stripped of their aggressiveness can become a drive to go beyond oneself. The sense of inadequacy becomes simply a phase to pass through. All the energy we put into comparing and contrasting, finding the other better and ourselves wanting, can be channelled into reaching beyond ourselves.

1. Reflect On Your Jealousy/Identify where the feeling is coming from.

After you realize you may have a problem with jealousy, you can then work on understanding why you have those feelings. Could it be that you are not happy with yourself, which is why you are jealous of others? If you are jealous of someone else’s relationship because yours does not seem as great, perhaps you need to work on your own relationship instead.

Being jealous of others always comes back to a problem with yourself and you have to work on that problem before you can move on. Reflect on why you are being jealous, and where those feelings stem from and work on improving yourself. You are jealous when someone else has embodied your own potential.

Think about what you are jealous about.

If you are jealous about someone who has a fit body, it means a part of you has a desire for a fit body. In this case jealousy is internal frustration with yourself that you are not reaching your potential. Whatever you are jealous of, is asking to be brought forward. Instead of getting angry with someone else, use that frustration as drive to go towards what you want. Instead of saying bad things about the person, thank him/her for showing you what is possible. Thank this frustration to help you move forward and take action.

2. Stop Comparing Yourself To Others/ Remember your strength

As mentioned before, some jealousy is caused by low self-esteem. Low confidence and self-esteem play a big part when it comes to comparing yourself to others. You might feel as though someone else is prettier, smarter or funnier than you. You will always find somebody who is better than you.

Instead, you should compare yourself to yourself.

Are you doing your best? What progress have you made? If you’re experiencing fear of inadequacy — you think someone is going to leave you in a relationship even though there’s no real evidence — it often comes from not giving yourself enough credit.

A lot of people are actually extraordinary people, but they don’t feel extraordinary because they never take the time to integrate the extraordinary things they do or that happen in their lives. If you start noticing and acknowledging those small daily actions that you’ve accomplished, then you’ll start to feel better about yourself. With appreciation comes self-esteem. With more esteem there will be less jealousy caused by insecurity. Remember your strength. You have done many good things, you received many compliments but you forget sometimes.

3. Love the one you’re with more/Ask For Reassurance

When someone is fulfilled in their relationship with you, you’ll feel less insecure. So love the person you’re with. Don’t hold back because of some fear of them leaving. The more you hold back, the more likely they’ll leave. Give in to the relationship, don’t give in to fear. The more you both connect and share and love, the less jealousy can be present.

Don’t be afraid, be committed.

When someone is fulfilled from the relationship because you give a lot is never gonna leave. It is out of protection that we block the things we want, connection, love. The more we love the more jealousy cannot be there. Give more. If the person leaves it means that it was not right for you. It is OK to ask your partner questions you may have.

The best type of questions to ask when it comes to feelings of jealousy are ones that start with “I”. Instead of saying ‘Who did you go out with last night? Did something happen?, say ‘I felt a little uneasy when you came home from a night out with a woman (or man) without telling me. Can we talk about this?’. This shows transparency from you, which your partner should appreciate. If everything is innocent, your partner should not have a problem talking to you about it. Having a chat about any worries or doubts you may have is much healthier than holding it in, causing angry acts of jealousy.

4. Take Responsibility

If you know that your jealousy stems from your own insecurities, low self-esteem or confidence, then you need to start taking responsibility and working on improving it. Know that it may be you and not your partner which causes your feelings or actions of jealousy. If this is the case, reflect on your own thoughts and feelings towards yourself. Get rid of any negative emotions and take time to give yourself some self-care. You can try and work on your own insecurities which will, in time, help you with the jealous feelings.

Exercise: Grab a paper and write down what makes you jealous. Now examine what are FACTS and what are INTERPRETATIONS. Be really honest about what you know, what you don’t know, and the stories your brain has started telling you to fill the gaps. From there try to understand what are your limiting beliefs that produce those thoughts.

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